Toasts

I have to apologize right up front. I cannot give a toast to save my life. Sure I can think them up and I come from a long line of toasters (that's all wrong). My dad was the example of a guy who not only could come up with a really cool toast, but he could do it while walking across the dance floor to get the mic from the DJ, after having just learned the couples names in the receiving line.

But I do have a lot of experience with listening to toasts, hundreds of them. I'm the guy on the other side of the lens who has the video camera fixed on you as you speak. And even though the crowd might be rude and loud and walking to the bar or yelling to a friend, I hear every word you say. And I listen to the message.

You see, toast go back as far as the Greeks in the Sixth Century B.C. and have carried on throughout the ages. There are some superstitions about giving a toast, such as not toasting with coffee, tea or water which is thought to bring bad luck. It could also mean you don't like getting drunk and saying things that will be on Facebook when you wake up.

When I got married, everyone at the wedding started to clink their glasses. I had no clue what they were doing. Sounded cool, but I just sat there wide eyed like a bum being handed a hundred dollar bill. Then my beautiful and very intelligent wife (we are opposites that's why we attract) leaned over to her new husband and politely told me that we should kiss. From then on I was a man of the world. But I still could not give a toast for the life of me, like my old man could.

I do have some tips for those who are thrown into that glass room at the head table. Prepare yourself. Come on, if you are the best man then you know you are the first up. Traditionally the best man is suppose to toast the bride and the groom. Rewind to my dad. At my wedding he was my best man. Although he has been dead for more years than I can remember, I still see and hear his toast. He thanked everyone for coming, asked the crowd to raise their glasses to the brightest new couple on the Minnesota horizon (cute and maybe true) and then wished my wife and me all the best and asked that I perpetuate the name of Schloss (his subtle hint that children were a requirement). Bing Bang Boom...done. No long winded stories no jokes, just keep it short and sweet.

Fast forward to modern day. The groomsman who starts off with good intentions however upon hearing the audience laugh at his funny reference to the grooms boxer shorts, he becomes a stand up comedian starving for more laughter, the hype seeking out one more fix. And it goes on and on. Then each bridal party member feels they have to tell a story and before you know it, the videographer is panicking to change tapes because they only record one hour.

If you are uncertain on how to give a toast or what to say, simply google search "how to give a toast". There is a lot of reading out there. Single guys, it's a chic magnet, really. Take it from an older guy who watches you all interact at the reception. Guys who give a short good toast, get the attention of the women in the audience. And then if you get right out there and dance, well what can I say.

If you are a wedding couple and want to make sure your toasts do not exceed the length of the wedding you went though, consider giving each person at your table a small printed card that says something to the effect "you might be called upon to give a toast. If you are not a public speaker simply introduce yourself to the crowd, tell them how we met (example: John and I were roommate in college), thank everyone for coming and ask everyone to rise their glasses and join you in wishing us many wonderful years, then sit your ass down or we won't feed you!" There, now they have at least something to say other than the standard "I just know you guys will be happy forever or Maggie, of all the girls John has had, and boy there were a lot, you make him smile the most" (oh crap what a thing to say).

And in conclusion...what you should NEVER do, is give a toast that makes you cry and sounds like in the morning they will find your dead cold body, and you are now saying everything to the bride or groom that you never had the chance to say. It's a wedding...not a good bye!

So with that said, will you all lift your laptops and wish videographers all over the world, best wishes and no dropped frames!